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After a worldwide pandemic stressed social ties and plummeted mental health, it’s no surprise that “check in with your friends” has become a commonly given directive.
And some might say the recognition friendship is getting as a valuable tenet of existence is way overdue: Strong friendships are key to living a longer, more satisfying life.
People who have five or more friends are 60% happier than people with fewer than five friends, according to a recent study.
And they can live longer: An analysis of more than 300,000 people over an average period of 7.5 years found that those with strong social ties were 50% more likely to still be alive at the end of that period than those with weak social ties. “The magnitude of this effect is comparable with quitting smoking,” the study’s authors said.
Like all relationships, though, there will be rough patches. Everyone slips in and out of good mental spaces, and it’s important to know when your friend might be inching toward an unhealthy mindset — and when it’s appropriate to say something.
Identifying the problem and knowing exactly how to broach it is hard, though, said Thema Bryant, the president of the American Psychological Association. Bryant is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, where she directs the Culture and Trauma Research Laboratory, and did her postdoctoral training at Harvard Medical Center’s Victims of Violence Program.
“Some people are afraid that if they bring it up they will make the person feel bad,” she said. “But that’s not true. If someone is already suffering, you acknowledging that can be healing.”
Here’s how to know when your friend is in a bad place, and how to effectively check in, according to Bryant.
4 signs you need to check in on your friend
- Disappearing. “Some people, when they are going through a hard time, instead of reaching out they self-isolate,” Bryant said. “If you haven’t heard from them in a while or haven’t seen them, that could be a sign.”
- Self-destructive behaviors. “You notice they are drinking a lot more or eating late at night,” she said. “They might bring it up jokingly like, ‘Oh, I just went through an incredible amount of ice cream at midnight.'”
- Irritability. If you notice that their response to a minor inconvenience is more intense than it typically has been throughout the course of your friendship, this might indicate they aren’t doing too well.
- Self-defeating talk. They might say things like, “Oh, why would anyone hire me” or “No one wants to date me because I’m the worst.” These kinds of statements that are “over-generalizing their own unworthiness,” Bryant said, are evidence that they need some support.
If your friend exhibits any of these signs, it might be time for a check-in.
Some people, when they are going through a hard time, instead of reaching out they self-isolate.
5 tips for checking in on your friend
1. Check in on yourself
Before reaching out, honestly assess how much energy you have to devote to someone else’s problems.
“If I’m feeling pretty nourished and I had a pretty good week and not much is going on, I can go sit with them at dinner,” Bryant said.
It’s also okay if that’s not the case. If you’ve had a rough few days and are worried about your job or relationship, you might not have the capacity to help someone else.
“I have to check in on myself to see how much I have in my tank,” Bryant said.
2. Ask specific questions
Once you’re in a good place to help others, decide on an approach. Asking “What’s up?” or “How are you?” will elicit a scripted response, Bryant said.
Get more specific with your questions. Bryant suggests:
- What has this week been like for you?
- How are you managing everything that’s on your plate?
- What’s the good news of the week and the bad news of the week?
You can call back to a detail they told you about, she said. For example, if your friend shared with you that they slept for 14 hours on Saturday, you can use this as a way into the conversation.
Say something like: “I know you slept all day on Saturday; you must be really exhausted. What do you think is going on that’s adding to your fatigue?”
3. Consider how much time you have
As is the case with all touchy topics, how you say it is just as important as what you’re saying.
When asking how someone is, slow down. This signals you want a real response, not just, “Oh, I’m fine.”
It shows you care about the answer and aren’t just asking so you can follow up with a favor or news about yourself.
Make sure you have the time for whatever response may come. “This is not a quick question. This is a conversation,” Bryant said.
4. Strike the right tone
There is a lot of shame that comes with needing emotional support. So, when you’re offering help be sure to create an environment of acceptance, Bryant said: “Full compassion, no judgment.”
Lead with your understanding of how they could be overwhelmed or frustrated.
You can say, “I know you’re working a lot and your oldest kid has been giving you a hard time. I can only imagine this has been a lot for you.”
This is not a quick question. This is a conversation
Be vulnerable with them if you want them to open up. “Have you created an atmosphere of trust in which you also share?” Bryant said.
If you never confide in a friend about your struggles, you can’t expect them to feel comfortable confiding in you.
“If you’re checking in on them but acting like you always have it together, there is judgment baked into that,” she said.
5. Follow up
Even with you striking the right tone and pace, a friend might not divulge.
And while you don’t want to pry, it is okay to push them a little bit.
“I wouldn’t drop it at the first ‘I’m fine,'” Bryant said. “I would ask one additional question, and then if they are insisting everything is okay then you can wrap it up by saying, ‘Well, if there is anything you want to talk about you know I’m here.'”
This plants the seed so that if they decide they want to talk later, they know you would be receptive. And many times, they will.
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